Guilty Pleasures

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Guilty pleasures …where to begin! And NO you gutter minded individuals this is NOT going to be one of “those” posts …get your brain out of the sewage you weirdo! :p   I’m a classy lady!!

 1- Boy Bands –let’s be real. I was 12 at the time Backstreet Boys and NSync and all those other amazing and oh so good looking boy bands were at their prime! It’s a part of me and I have no shame. I will rock out to some Backstreet Boys any day and enjoy every moment!

2- Cheesecake …or anything that has cheesecake in it! Like, I go SERIOUS fat kid mode! I’d eat it every day if it wouldn’t turn me into a hippo.

3- Reality TV – Don’t judge me! I can see you’re judging me! STOP IT!

4- Frozen Yogurt – which by the way I cover in chunks of cheesecake …as well as get the cheesecake flavored yogurt …I told you I’m obsessed with cheesecake!

5- Animal print – it literally looks like a zebra blew up in my car. I am currently sitting here with a leopard print blanket over me and a zebra print blanket hanging over my chair …that’s just the tip of the animal print iceberg!

6- My damn sippy cups – don’t ask why I call them that. I don’t know. I think I did it when I was in one of my weird childish moods and it just stuck. But those damn tumbler cups that are everywhere ..the ones with the lids and straws and usually cutely decorated or designed …yep I LOVE THEM! I have a legit collection and I refuse to stop… and yes I ABSOLUTELY have animal print ones!

7- Katy Perry – she’s simply amazing! She is my power animal. Who needs a penguin when you can have a Katy ..she roars …it counts (yep that was SUPER cheesy ..deal with it)

8- Makeup – I am such a girl! But seriously! I see a pretty color eye shadow or lipstick and I have to have it ..even though I probably won’t use it; at least probably not often. I literally have a box (much bigger than a shoe box) FULL of makeup! It’s sad. I could feed a small country of the money I’ve spent on makeup.

9- Tattoos – Like I have a legit obsession with getting them and having them! There have been times I’ve contemplated forgoing paying bills to get a new tattoo. Luckily I am responsible …but the thought has definitely been there! I’m addicted.

10- Disney Movies – I could literally sit all day and do nothing but watch Disney movies. And I’m not talking about the newer ones. I mean the good old school ones …Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, Pocahontas, The Little Mermaid, 101 Dalmatians …..The good ones! I would sit there and sing along to every song while I was at it too!!

Thus my list …a  lot of ridiculousness really. But hey, I enjoy it so whatever. I am completely ok with it! I have no shame what so ever! 🙂

 

Thanks for being a part of my journey,

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So much more than a New Years Resolution …

I guess we can call it a life resolution.

I’ve generally always been one of those “New Year, New Me” kinda people. But something about this new year just doesn’t have me feeling like that. These past few years have been increasingly difficult and depressing. I could write a seriously intense book of my life and only include the past 3 years ….it would be quite a read.

This past year (2014) I came to terms with a lot ….I attempted to restore my marriage only for it to blow up in my face. I accepted the fact that my marriage was over and I would never have my fairy tale. (Get married once, be together forever) …I learned to accept that I was in an abusive marriage. Though sometimes it is still hard for me to really say it out loud. I picked up my things and I left. No warning, no plan ….just the knowledge that I had to do it or it would be the end of me. I struggled, and still struggle to find my stability. My own path. I’ve been blessed with amazing friends who have put a roof over my head otherwise I’d be God knows where right now. But that experience alone broke me. At 28 years old I was 18 again …venturing out into the world alone. I was in a new state where I really didn’t know anyone …I had nothing but my dogs and some of my belonging. I managed to build a new life …or at least started to. I dated. Failed. Made new AMAZING friends. I fell apart several times but got back up. I met someone, was able to let my guard down more than I have in a long long time ..was able to feel what it felt like to fall in love again; to some extent I suppose. Of course that ended as it always does …me broken hearted. Lucky me it happened 2 days before the new year. I guess I’m glad it happened then so I can start off the new year knowing the truth instead of being wrapped up in a lie.

But so be it ..here I am …January 1 …2015

It started out differently than I had expected but that’s ok.

Now everyone is posting their new years resolutions. I am just not feeling it. I want this year to be something great and different then the last 3. But I don’t think narrowing my goals down to 1 year is going to cut it. I want to change my life not just my year. So thus ….my life resolution …

In no order….

1- Get back in the gym. I’m sick of feeling fat and out of shape. I want to be able to look in the mirror again and smile being so proud of my hard work and the pay off.

2- Learn to love myself. I’ve tried this over and over and never been able to figure it out. But I need to. I have to.

3- Rid myself of negativity. Sure I’m human it happens but I need to learn to focus on the good and let go of the bad or stressful.

4- Forgive those that have hurt me. I tend to hold onto things which in the end just causes me more pain and anger. I need to learn to just forgive and let go …but never forget.

5- Go on adventures. I live in a big state that is so new to me and has so much to experience. I want to get out and see it all. Have fun new experiences, meet new people!

I guess thats kinda the most of it. Sure it looks like a list of new years resolutions and take it as you may. But these are things I want to start today for ME ..for MY life …not for the new year. These things will hopefully carry far beyond 2015.

Now to be honest I really dont have the motivation for any of this. It’s not like I’m all gungho about it …its just something I know I have to do if I am ever going to have a life that I am happy with…. if I am ever going to be truly happy!

So for you “New Year, New Me” types …Heres to 2015

For those of you who are in my boat ..Here’s to life …

Thanks for being a part of my journey,

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You never realize how lost you are until you try to find yourself

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How do you put your life, your pain, your weaknesses and your demons into words?

I’ve sat for weeks, months thinking and contemplating what my life is and where I want it to be. I’ve thought I was on the right track only to be derailed. I’ve planned only to realize my plans were nothing but notes and numbers jotted on a piece of scrap paper. Dreams …on a piece of paper I’d later crumble up and toss in the trashcan because I realized how unrealistic they were. I’ve faked a smile through the tears and pain because it’s become second nature and easier then facing reality. Well reality is, I’ve lost myself completely. Thinking about putting out a missing ad in fact … Reward … I don’t know. I’ll figure it out when we cross that bridge.

I was sitting at lunch today and my mind was going a million miles a minute ..so many thoughts, hopes, wishes, fears .. so much anger, sadness, pain …I realized then that I had completely lost myself. I had become that person I worked so hard to not be anymore. I have become that angry negative person that I hate. That person that I swore I’d never be again. It all came down to ..how the hell do I find myself again? …how can I find that strength and that fight inside myself again to rid myself of this shell that I had become?

Those thoughts were followed with this post on Facebook …. “I’ve been doing A LOT of thinking over the past week and I’ve come to realize that this year and the hell I was put through has awakened a lot of the demons that I worked hard to get rid of. That angry, depressed, negative side of me has unfortunately made a strong presence. My fucked up marriage being the biggest culprit ….it’s going to be a process and I’ll need a lot of support and help …but I need to hide these demons again and find that happy, carefree, passionate side of me again …I’m determined to hold onto the things that make me happy and all else can seriously be gone. This is going to be one hell of a journey but I’ve beat this battle before ..I’d imagine I can do it again.”

Now some people made the comment of how I need to rid the demons not hide them. But to be honest ..those demons are what keep me fighting. They give me the anger I need when I need t. They awaken a beast in me that doesn’t give a damn what others think and allow me to really fight for what I believe in. I just need to learn how to hide them until they are needed again. There’s a passion in me that’s been missing for a long time now. A passion that was stolen and verbally beaten out of me. A happiness …

Sometimes that side of me is drawn out. Someone finds a way to pull it out of me. It lights a fire in me that I miss. I am so anxious to find it again. Now I could say I’m going to just start being more positive and find that side of me again. But lets be real ..nothing is that easy. What I want to do is pick up and run. Its easier. But I know I cant. I need to stand up and take control. Which sounds great …but not something I can do over night. I honestly don’t think people realize how broken I am.

I’ll find me again …somewhere down the road is the answer to where I am and how to get me back again. If you find me ..please return me.

Thanks for being a part of my journey,

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Fake it til you make it?? ….No

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Why are people so judgmental? So assumptive? So conniving? So ….outlandish?

I’ll be honest; I do jump to stereotypes from time to time. Then again, I am a walking stereo type. Black hair, piercings, tattoos, dark makeup (when I actually do my makeup haha) …so yeah I have fallen to the standard of stereotype. “She must be a party girl, she must be a drinker or trouble maker. She’s gotta be the “bad girl” ….I’ve heard it all at this point.

I mean lets be real, sure I absolutely LOVE Avenged Sevenfold but 9 out of 10 times when I’m jamming out in my car with the stereo turned up …it’s to Katy Perry! Sure I enjoy a drink or two with my friends but going to the bar and getting wasted every weekend is absolutely not my thing anymore. I ran that course and I’m just not into it. I am a sit at home with friends or family or someone special and just relax and enjoy the company kind of person.

But the reality is ..I am absolutely none of those stereotypes that I have been labeled with before. I am actually a very gentle hearted person (as long as you don’t unleash the bitch ..because she’s DEFINITELY in there). I am the type of person who would give the shirt off my back to help someone. I enjoy going out of my way to help people in fact; especially my friends and family. The people I care about are my priority …not myself.

But then you get the people who on the outside look like they would be the nice boy or girl next door but in reality they are the ones talking behind everyone’s back and causing issues. They are continually in the mix when a problem arises. Why would you want to be that person? I hate drama. I can’t stand people who are not honest and real. It makes me crazy! People will respect you more for simply being you and being honest. Be real! No one likes people who are fake and untrustworthy or manipulative. No one can be a better version of you …only you can do that!

I don’t think I am better than anyone. I just know that I am better than I was yesterday.

We all have our flaws and we all have our days. But who are you in the bigger picture? Are you someone you can be proud of? Are you someone you would be honored to call a friend, a significant other, a son or daughter? Would you be your friend if you were someone else? I mean REALLY think about that. Would you rather be falsely liked for all your lies and the characters you play or honestly loved for just being yourself?

I’ve been both. When I was younger, before I had discovered who I was as a person and what I wanted out of life, I played those characters. Part of that was also because I was harboring a lot of pain and anger. But after losing friends, discovering who my real friends were and learning ways to deal with my inner “demons” …I found myself and can honestly say that I am proud of the woman I have become. There is always room to improve and room to grow. We learn new things every day and we are constantly changing. But that doesn’t mean we can’t make those changes for the better!

Just be real. Just be YOU! Everything else will fall into place one short day at a time.

 

Thanks for being a part of my journey,

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Not holding back anymore. My honest and Raw story.

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So needless to say, I haven’t posted anything in awhile. I mean, my blog is supposed to be about overcoming the negative attitude and being happy and positive right? How can I do that when I’m not being that? Well Kids, I’m back and probably stronger than ever …and happier (as a whole).

I just feel its time to let out my story, my truth and my struggle. It’s not easy and I know people are going to misinterpret of not understand quite what I’m meaning with all of this but thats ok. It’s my way to get it all out, and maybe help someone else.

A little over 2 years ago, I took a vow to love someone so fully for the rest of my life …something I took seriously! Even though at the time I knew I was saying my vows to the wrong person. I met him about 7 months prior and in that 7 months we had already broke up once, I had caught him having sexual conversations with another woman, we had very hostile arguments resulting in me getting hurt because he grabbed a kitchen knife and was trying to destroy a canvas picture I had made for him …I grabbed the knife and cut my hand right open ….and eventually the 1 occasion where he did get physically abusive and wrapped his arm around my neck to a point I couldn’t break for what felt like an eternity….. we weren’t even married yet. I forgave him because he cried and apologized. I forgave him because he told me he had PTSD and this was the cause. In the end I discovered it was much more than that.

Now why am I telling such personal things? Well, I’m sick of being the victim, I’m sick of people thinking I’m weak or broken ..in fact after all this now that I am away from that …I am stronger than ever. Sure I still have some internal demons but don’t we all? I had those before him too. I also think it’s important for me to openly admit that I was in an abusive marriage. It allows me to acknowledge that it wasn’t anything I did ..it was him. As much as he would never let me or anyone else think or believe that. Oh well! I’m not going to say his name or post his pictures ..this isn’t about shaming him or defacing him …I’m way better than that! I just want to tell MY story.

When we got married I knew from the beginning it was a bad idea. I knew it was stupid to even be engaged. But, I loved him for some reason. (Thank God those feelings are gone!!) … after we got married we fell into the same routine. In fact we got into an argument on the day we got married because he was so high on Xanax and pain meds that he got into a car accident and was being an absolute dick! But I pushed forward. Only to discover about 7 months later that he had been cheating on me AGAIN …with one of my coworkers. We got into a huge argument and yet again I forgave him. {I am way too good of a woman haha}

Well eventually we packed our things and moved out to Tennessee. Another down hill slide from there. For the next 2 months he was barely ever home. I wasnt working so I had no money. He’d take my car and leave me home with the dogs and no food or transportation. Anytime I called him and asked when he’d be home it turned into a screaming argument …he’s continually call me everything from a bitch to a piece of shit to worthless to fat to a cunt…. yep …my own husband …because I asked when he’d be home after being gone all day …again! Sounds completely reasonable right? Yeah didnt think so! Oh and ..pretty sure he was cheating on me again. One day he had finally called me a cunt one too many times ..I loaded a UHaul and moved back home to California. He came out there a week later begging me to come home and promising to change. I did …he didnt.

For the first few months things were going pretty well. Then it all started crumbling again. We started arguing, he would question everything I did making me feel like I was doing something wrong when I wasn’t. He would tell me I was a bitch and a piece of shit and I didn’t care. It came to a point where I’d cry every day on my way home from work because I didn’t want to go back. But I knew I had to. I remember daily wishing something would go wrong and I wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore. Now let me get this VERY straight …I would NEVER EVER EVER hurt myself …but ….I did wish that maybe a big rig would go off the track or something. Which is so unlike me! I woke up every day and went about my routine …going home to a husband who usually didn’t talk to me or would just argue and yell at me because I’d ask when we were going to spend some time together. I came to a point where I was afraid to do or say anything because I was afraid he would snap and hurt me. By this time we’d been married almost 2 years …he’s shoved me MULTIPLE times …raised his hand to me on many occasions, grabbed my arms so hard it bruised …and continually threatened to smash my head into a wall or a car or whatever else was near. He’d remind me (in a fashion to make it seem like he cared) that if I pushed his buttons to much he was capable of seriously hurting me.

Now, there are far more details but I’m not trying to write a book here! I’m just trying to give an understanding.

After months of feeling hopeless, helpless and worthless and terrified my husband was going to snap and kill me …I left ..for good!

Now here I am, not much time has passed but I am a different person then I was when I was still with him. Sure I have bad days, I get emotional, I stress …I’m human.

The friends I have now are people I chose and want in my life ..give or take 1 or 2 who kinda brought themselves into my life and I couldn’t be happier about it. I have a great group of friends. These people mean the world to me ..without knowing it they have been there for me through the darkest time of my life. I smile every day now. I laugh. I enjoy life. And every day just keeps getting better.

I am lucky that I have learned it was him and not me. So I can let go of that and not let it burden me or bring those issues to other parts of my life. But it wasn’t easy. I knew if I ever want to find happiness with someone else I had to let go of the shit that he forced me to believe …so I did. Wholeheartedly. It feels amazing and I feel like a new person. I still have some demons to battle but none that change my life daily or effect my moving forward.

I am me and that’s the best I can be. I am real, I am honest, I am strong and I am passionate. Take it or leave it. I don’t care. I do what I want and no one will ever tell me differently. I am who I want to be …not what someone else wants me to be!

It feels good to have the truth out there.

 

Thanks for being a part of my Journey,

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Letter to Me.

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So a couple days ago I was driving home from work, windows down and music up …and Brad Paisley’s “Letter to Me” came on the radio. It really got me thinking. I am the type of person who dwells on the past and worries about the future. I truly wish I could write myself a letter and send it to my past self …as well as one to my future self. But mostly my past. I think about it often and it’s what holds me back a lot too. There are so many things I wish current me could have told past me.

Things like:

-You’re going to get your heart broken dont dwell on it because it will just make your future relationships, and marriage harder. You’ll be too afraid of opening up and speaking your mind. {luckily in my marriage I have worked through this, but it took me some time}

-In fact you will get your heart broken more than once.

-You will break hearts, and that can hurt you just as much. It never feels good hurting someone you cared about.

-Just remember you did it for a reason and it will bring you to where you are now.

-Spend more time with you dad. In fact every minute you can. He’ll be taken from you far far before you are ready for it.

-Spend more time with your friends. Every chance you get in fact. Never let a day or opportunity pass that you turn down time with them.

-There are a couple friends you are going to lose too soon. Cherish the moments with them.

-Don’t blame yourself when one of them makes the decision to take her own life. It was her choice not yours. I know you always said you should call and check on her and I know you feel like you let her down by not reaching out sooner but there was nothing you could have done to take away her pain.

-Work hard. Show them your potential.

-Be careful with your money. Save. Because one day it will become the root of your stress and the trigger of your tears.

-Travel. See the world. There is so much out there beyond what you could imagine.

-Always be a good friend. In return you’ll have good friends.

-Forgive. Forgive those who broke your heart. Those who broke your spirit. Those that let you down. Those that did you wrong and those that stabbed you in the back. You don’t deserve the pain of holding onto the anger.

-Don’t be manipulated. Don’t let anyone make you believe something that deep down you know isn’t true. It’s going to make you look and feel like the kind of person that you definitely aren’t.

-Take care of yourself.

-You are strong. Remember that when you feel weak. You’ve been through darkness before. You can get through.

-Always call your mom when you need advise or an opinion ….she will never steer you wrong {and she hasn’t}

-Love fully. Forgive freely. But never forget.

 

I’ve had a life that’s made for movies but at the end of the day it is mine. Good, bad, stressful ..whatever it may be.. it is mine and only mine. I wish I would have known these things before because it would make today a bit easier.

 

Thanks for being a part of my journey,

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