Letter to Me.

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So a couple days ago I was driving home from work, windows down and music up …and Brad Paisley’s “Letter to Me” came on the radio. It really got me thinking. I am the type of person who dwells on the past and worries about the future. I truly wish I could write myself a letter and send it to my past self …as well as one to my future self. But mostly my past. I think about it often and it’s what holds me back a lot too. There are so many things I wish current me could have told past me.

Things like:

-You’re going to get your heart broken dont dwell on it because it will just make your future relationships, and marriage harder. You’ll be too afraid of opening up and speaking your mind. {luckily in my marriage I have worked through this, but it took me some time}

-In fact you will get your heart broken more than once.

-You will break hearts, and that can hurt you just as much. It never feels good hurting someone you cared about.

-Just remember you did it for a reason and it will bring you to where you are now.

-Spend more time with you dad. In fact every minute you can. He’ll be taken from you far far before you are ready for it.

-Spend more time with your friends. Every chance you get in fact. Never let a day or opportunity pass that you turn down time with them.

-There are a couple friends you are going to lose too soon. Cherish the moments with them.

-Don’t blame yourself when one of them makes the decision to take her own life. It was her choice not yours. I know you always said you should call and check on her and I know you feel like you let her down by not reaching out sooner but there was nothing you could have done to take away her pain.

-Work hard. Show them your potential.

-Be careful with your money. Save. Because one day it will become the root of your stress and the trigger of your tears.

-Travel. See the world. There is so much out there beyond what you could imagine.

-Always be a good friend. In return you’ll have good friends.

-Forgive. Forgive those who broke your heart. Those who broke your spirit. Those that let you down. Those that did you wrong and those that stabbed you in the back. You don’t deserve the pain of holding onto the anger.

-Don’t be manipulated. Don’t let anyone make you believe something that deep down you know isn’t true. It’s going to make you look and feel like the kind of person that you definitely aren’t.

-Take care of yourself.

-You are strong. Remember that when you feel weak. You’ve been through darkness before. You can get through.

-Always call your mom when you need advise or an opinion ….she will never steer you wrong {and she hasn’t}

-Love fully. Forgive freely. But never forget.

 

I’ve had a life that’s made for movies but at the end of the day it is mine. Good, bad, stressful ..whatever it may be.. it is mine and only mine. I wish I would have known these things before because it would make today a bit easier.

 

Thanks for being a part of my journey,

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The Sweet Smell of Baseball Season

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Oh sweet sweet baseball season! Woo am I excited. Watch my Red Sox kick some ass. {and yes I am fully aware that Jacoby Ellsbury is a Yank now ..and it breaks my Sox heart. He was my favorite …I was a center fielder when I played as a kid ..ugh I just cant talk about it. I’m going to pretend I dont have to see him in those horrid pinstripes this year} …anyway ….RED SOX woo!!!!

These last couple days the games have been on when I go to lunch at work. Its been killing me because I want so bad to see how they are playing before the season officially opens up. There should be a “baseball is on” break! What’s worse is that we don’t have DVR right now so any early games I wont be able to watch. Luckily most games are later so I’ll be able to watch them. THANK GOD!!!

I’ve been dreaming about baseball starting up since the World Series ended ….especially after watching my boys absolutely KILL it!! Let’s hope for a repeat! 🙂 …and not a repeat of 2012 because I just cant handle another horrid season like that. But with Valentine our of the picture I dont think we’ll ever be that bad again. 

There’s just something about baseball that I love. Maybe it’s the memories of playing when I was a kid …or maybe its the time of year and watching a game that is just so classic. Maybe it’s just because it’s a game I actually understand. haha Honestly I think it’s my experiences. Going to a game and eating a hot dog in the gorgeous weather …laughing and just having a great time. It reminds me of the time I was in Boston and got to experience the Red Sox and the Red Sox Nation first hand. It became a part of me. No team will ever captivate me like this team has. The passion, the dedication the absolute love the team has for the sport and the fans have for the team. Boston became a part of me ….and the Red Sox are the foundation. 

Baseball season is my favorite time of the year hands down. It makes me feel happy ….complete. I just wish I was able to get to a game this year. Hopefully soon I’ll be able to get back to Boston and watch them play again. 

I dream of the day I have kids and can play catch with them, hopefully they will love to play baseball like I did …hopefully they feel the passion and love for the Red Sox like I do. I know I will bring that experience into their life. I just pray it brings them the joy it brings me!

Here’s to a great season Sox. Lets get this done and make it another one to remember. 

 

Thanks for being a part of my journey,

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Modern Technology has ruined me

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Yep, it’s the truth! I hate modern technology. Now lets start by acknowledging that right now me and my husband are in financial hardship. This past year put us in a hole that I feel like we will never get out of. I am stressed to the absolute max. Well about a week ago our cable was turned off because we couldn’t pay the bill. Well, now we sit, with basic cable (no DVR) and I am absolutely losing it! Thank God we have hulu and netflix but still ….I have shows I watch every week and now I cant because I dont even know when they come on. Some of them are on at the same time.

This wasn’t an issue before because we had DVR. It’s seriously bothering me ..I’m angry, I’m irritated …it reminds me of how much money we don’t have. UGH!! I can’t handle this stress but I dont know what to do. Anyway, that whole issue is a book of it’s own.

So back to the point!

When the hell did I become the kind of person who gets upset over not having DVR? Or my cell phone. I can’t live without it. I could sit on my phone all day just hitting refresh on facebook even though nothing new is happening. It’s ridiculous. I watch tv and play games on my phone at the same time. It drives me nuts. But I rely on it. WHY!?!?!?

As a kid I always wanted to be outside. I wanted to be playing in the dirt, climbing trees or anything in that realm. Now don’t get me wrong, I still love those things but in the back of my mind I want to rip my hair out because I am going to miss American Idol or something ridiculous like that. And trust, I’ve already looked to see if my shows are on Hulu but most of them aren’t or at least it’s not the newest episodes… you know, the ones I’ve missed.

Now the company we have our basic cable through offers DVR …for about $40 more then we are paying now but I know that it’s not a logical thing for me to pay for right now. I was just in tears last night over debt and spend a good portion of today trying to talk to collectors and deal with it. Luckily the lady I talked to is helping me out. But that still leaves a lot of things not getting paid for and leaves me with next to nothing {if not nothing all together} once I get the monthly necessary bills taken care of.

I HATE THIS SHIT!!

How did we get here? and how the hell are we going to get out of it?

I am so sick of stressing over this crap.

 

Thanks for being a part of my journey,

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Life takes over

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Gosh, I am so behind! 😦

I started work last monday and it’s been go go go ever since. I’m up at 630 am, out the door at 8. I have to clock in at 9am and I’m there until 6pm. Takes me roughly 30-45 minutes to get home depending on traffic and such. By the time I get home I am so tired. My husband cooks us dinner and by the time thats all done and we’ve eaten it’s easily 9pm. At that point I dont want to do much of anything!

Because I’m so out of the flow of working I have SO much house work to get caught up on. I really need to get everything caught up that way I can relax and do the other things I enjoy. Ex: blogging.

I feel bad that I havent posted anything lately. I went from posting daily to nothing for a week. UGH!!!

I need to set a schedule or something. Like I’ll post monday, wednesday and friday. Or whatever. I just know that I really enjoy doing this and I don’t want to get so out of the rhythm that I just don’t want to do it anymore or I become so infrequent that no one enjoys reading it anymore.

How do you all deal with a busy life and making time?

I’m also planning to start back up with school in a couple months to start my Masters program. So I really need to figure out how to make this all work without wearing myself our completely.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ok had to get that out. I wouldn’t go as far as saying I am stressed but I am definitely not used to being busy all day at work then trying to find time and energy for everything else. I guess it will come in time.

Please dont give up on me. I promise I’ll figure this all out.

 

Thanks for being a part of my journey,

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Misconception of a person

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So the big thing right now is the ABC show “The Bachelor.” Now I personally love this show and I don’t think I’ve seen anything from the bachelor, Juan Pablo that makes me think he’s a bad person or whatever. {and no this whole post is not going to be about the bachelor …just read} But, there has been many reports from the girls that he is a fake, self centered, not taking this seriously …this that and the other. Now this is where I get confused…. last night was the “Girls Tell All” episode and we truly got a mix of opinions. Some girls were upset and felt that they had been played, lied to and disrespected. Other girls were still heartbroken and confused, some girls admitted they did have very serious feelings for him but have since moved on. Then Andi {shown above} stated that she truly was falling in love with him but after a night alone with him she lost those feelings. Now the question stands …did some of these girls simply have a bad experience due to lack of connection or whatever it may be and now they are misconceiving who Juan Pablo is as a person …OR is he really this person and the other girls just aren’t seeing it?

Honestly I dont know the truth none of us do because none of us know him. But I can honestly say that until I see something substantial then there is no opinion for me to gather. For many years I fell under the misconceived category. Everyone looked at me and assumed I was a party girl, slept around and was a complete bitch. Well a bitch yes …but only when I needed to be and everything else they thought was absolutely NOT accurate at all. In fact during the periods of time where I was really judged a lot, I was still a virgin and sure I drank a bit but it was with my friends on the weekends. I wasn’t getting wasted every day like people assumed.

But it was simply to make the assumption. I had {still have} long black hair, wore dark eye makeup and had a punk/rockabilly style. I was very unique and stood out in a normal crowd. My friends were all older then me and drank a lot …they were of age so they could. People ASSUMED things about me because of the way I looked and the way I defended my friends and didn’t take crap from anyone. But when they got to know me they quickly realized their assumptions were far from the truth. Now as I’ve gotten older my style has calmed down a little. It’s not as ….dark. But it’s still my own. I really dont know what people think of me when they see me now but I know it’s a lot different then it used to be.

There was even a time where I was harassed by a CHP officer for 45 minutes …he did multiple DUI tests all of which I passed with flying colors. He accused me of being on drugs multiple times even though he had NO proof. In fact even to this day I have NEVER touched a drug. Not even marijuana. I have no desire … never have. I later found out that this guy was a complete douche and was known for harassing women. But still, he made these accusations and assumptions because of the way I looked. It was ridiculous and he’s lucky I didn’t have his job because of it!

Having people assumed these things about me did upset me a lot. I wasn’t trying to give off that “look.” I was just trying to be myself, be who I was comfortable being. I was comfortable with my dark hair and makeup {still am} …I was comfortable with my punk/rockabilly clothes and creeper shoes {look em up if you dont know what they are haha} ..I loved my bright red lip stick and 3 length belt chain. I wore it every day! That’s who I was comfortable being. It didn’t mean I was a slut or drug addict. It didn’t mean I was a bitch and couldn’t be a friend! The fact that people thought those things so much is what caused me to change my look. I’ve become comfortable with the person I am now as far as my style. But it’s not who I used to be and it wasn’t a change I made by coincidence. It was a change I made because I didn’t want to be stereotyped in those ways anymore. It upset me and made me feel like no one would ever get to know me for who I was.

The fact is, we assume things about people a lot without every getting to truly know someone. I’ve done it. I’m not innocent. But after my experiences I truly try not to. I try to get to know someone for myself before I decide what kind of person they are. Because I’ve let go of stereotypes, I’ve made some great friends of all different styles. If I had stayed closed off and naive I would have never gotten to know them and it would have been my loss. We need to open our minds and close our eyes. We need to stop being so judgmental when we have no facts…. stop reading a book by it’s cover. If you do this you will open your world to so many new possibilities.

 

Thanks for being a part of my journey,

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The Story of my Life

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So as we all know tonight is the Oscars. Now I enjoy movies but I generally dont watch them until long after they were in the theaters. So watching the Oscars right now I’m as confused as can be because I have not seen any of these movies. In fact I haven’t even heard of most of them. Thank you TIVO for the lack of commercials …therefore the lack of movie previews. Anyway, to go with the theme of the Oscars and movies …I’ve decided to talk about who would play me in a movie about my life and what would it really be like?

I’ve thought about this a lot because it seems to be the age old question. But I really dont know who would play me…. can Katy Perry go into movies because that would be amazing. I try to think of people who look something like me …black hair …tattoos …edgy yet girly ….ugh this is hard!

Maybe Cameron Diaz with black hair

Or {I hate saying this} Kristin Stewart …only if she found a personality though

Sandra Bullock with black hair?

Anne Hathaway? She can be edgy and tattooed right?

Hell give Jennifer Lawrence some black hair and tattoos!

I really dont know. It’s a hard question. I am not normal or average! lol But honestly {other than Kristen Steward because I cant stand her, I’d be honored to have any of them play me in a movie about me}

I’ve always thought about writing a book on my life because I’ve had a lot of things happen in my life from sad things to happy things to powerful things. Death, struggle, depression, anxiety, dark times ….all the way to amazing friends and memories with them, parties, amazing family, vacations, a photo shoot, marriage ….a lot of great happy things. I’ve had a life that could teach a million lessons. And I’m only 28! I think a movie about my life would have to be a 3 hour long epic film to get it all in! haha But in reality I don’t know that all the lessons of my life and experiences could truly be put into a movie that’s only an hour and a half long. I could be wrong though. But that would be one hell of a roller coaster of a movie. You’d go from crying to laughing, to partying back to crying then some more laughing them some struggles and more partying them some lessons and more crying. I just dont even know. It would be chaos! 

OSCAR WORTHY!

What do I need to do to have a movie made about me? Come on now! Who’s up for a challenge? Then again maybe we should wait another 60 years so I can get all my life experiences done. Right now there’s only 28 years worth. But then it would have to be a LONG damn movie ….I’m talking at least 4 hours! haha I’d watch it!

Who would play you in a movie about your life??

 

Thanks for being a part of my journey,

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