Not holding back anymore. My honest and Raw story.

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So needless to say, I haven’t posted anything in awhile. I mean, my blog is supposed to be about overcoming the negative attitude and being happy and positive right? How can I do that when I’m not being that? Well Kids, I’m back and probably stronger than ever …and happier (as a whole).

I just feel its time to let out my story, my truth and my struggle. It’s not easy and I know people are going to misinterpret of not understand quite what I’m meaning with all of this but thats ok. It’s my way to get it all out, and maybe help someone else.

A little over 2 years ago, I took a vow to love someone so fully for the rest of my life …something I took seriously! Even though at the time I knew I was saying my vows to the wrong person. I met him about 7 months prior and in that 7 months we had already broke up once, I had caught him having sexual conversations with another woman, we had very hostile arguments resulting in me getting hurt because he grabbed a kitchen knife and was trying to destroy a canvas picture I had made for him …I grabbed the knife and cut my hand right open ….and eventually the 1 occasion where he did get physically abusive and wrapped his arm around my neck to a point I couldn’t break for what felt like an eternity….. we weren’t even married yet. I forgave him because he cried and apologized. I forgave him because he told me he had PTSD and this was the cause. In the end I discovered it was much more than that.

Now why am I telling such personal things? Well, I’m sick of being the victim, I’m sick of people thinking I’m weak or broken ..in fact after all this now that I am away from that …I am stronger than ever. Sure I still have some internal demons but don’t we all? I had those before him too. I also think it’s important for me to openly admit that I was in an abusive marriage. It allows me to acknowledge that it wasn’t anything I did ..it was him. As much as he would never let me or anyone else think or believe that. Oh well! I’m not going to say his name or post his pictures ..this isn’t about shaming him or defacing him …I’m way better than that! I just want to tell MY story.

When we got married I knew from the beginning it was a bad idea. I knew it was stupid to even be engaged. But, I loved him for some reason. (Thank God those feelings are gone!!) … after we got married we fell into the same routine. In fact we got into an argument on the day we got married because he was so high on Xanax and pain meds that he got into a car accident and was being an absolute dick! But I pushed forward. Only to discover about 7 months later that he had been cheating on me AGAIN …with one of my coworkers. We got into a huge argument and yet again I forgave him. {I am way too good of a woman haha}

Well eventually we packed our things and moved out to Tennessee. Another down hill slide from there. For the next 2 months he was barely ever home. I wasnt working so I had no money. He’d take my car and leave me home with the dogs and no food or transportation. Anytime I called him and asked when he’d be home it turned into a screaming argument …he’s continually call me everything from a bitch to a piece of shit to worthless to fat to a cunt…. yep …my own husband …because I asked when he’d be home after being gone all day …again! Sounds completely reasonable right? Yeah didnt think so! Oh and ..pretty sure he was cheating on me again. One day he had finally called me a cunt one too many times ..I loaded a UHaul and moved back home to California. He came out there a week later begging me to come home and promising to change. I did …he didnt.

For the first few months things were going pretty well. Then it all started crumbling again. We started arguing, he would question everything I did making me feel like I was doing something wrong when I wasn’t. He would tell me I was a bitch and a piece of shit and I didn’t care. It came to a point where I’d cry every day on my way home from work because I didn’t want to go back. But I knew I had to. I remember daily wishing something would go wrong and I wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore. Now let me get this VERY straight …I would NEVER EVER EVER hurt myself …but ….I did wish that maybe a big rig would go off the track or something. Which is so unlike me! I woke up every day and went about my routine …going home to a husband who usually didn’t talk to me or would just argue and yell at me because I’d ask when we were going to spend some time together. I came to a point where I was afraid to do or say anything because I was afraid he would snap and hurt me. By this time we’d been married almost 2 years …he’s shoved me MULTIPLE times …raised his hand to me on many occasions, grabbed my arms so hard it bruised …and continually threatened to smash my head into a wall or a car or whatever else was near. He’d remind me (in a fashion to make it seem like he cared) that if I pushed his buttons to much he was capable of seriously hurting me.

Now, there are far more details but I’m not trying to write a book here! I’m just trying to give an understanding.

After months of feeling hopeless, helpless and worthless and terrified my husband was going to snap and kill me …I left ..for good!

Now here I am, not much time has passed but I am a different person then I was when I was still with him. Sure I have bad days, I get emotional, I stress …I’m human.

The friends I have now are people I chose and want in my life ..give or take 1 or 2 who kinda brought themselves into my life and I couldn’t be happier about it. I have a great group of friends. These people mean the world to me ..without knowing it they have been there for me through the darkest time of my life. I smile every day now. I laugh. I enjoy life. And every day just keeps getting better.

I am lucky that I have learned it was him and not me. So I can let go of that and not let it burden me or bring those issues to other parts of my life. But it wasn’t easy. I knew if I ever want to find happiness with someone else I had to let go of the shit that he forced me to believe …so I did. Wholeheartedly. It feels amazing and I feel like a new person. I still have some demons to battle but none that change my life daily or effect my moving forward.

I am me and that’s the best I can be. I am real, I am honest, I am strong and I am passionate. Take it or leave it. I don’t care. I do what I want and no one will ever tell me differently. I am who I want to be …not what someone else wants me to be!

It feels good to have the truth out there.

 

Thanks for being a part of my Journey,

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12 thoughts on “Not holding back anymore. My honest and Raw story.

  1. It’s wonderful that you’ve found your way out of that relationship. Don’t ever be fooled back!! Glad you are finding your way. I look forward to hearing more of your journey! 🙂

  2. You are a strong woman… And you always have been. I’m glad that in the face of adversity, you took control of your situation and did what you needed to.

  3. I have been in an abusive relationship myself. Good for you for choosing to get out! Best wishes to you! You should blog more! Following you!

  4. I remember feeling that the luckiest day of my life was the day that CJ got arrested. It was the only way I was able to escape him. I’m so glad that you made the right choice, H. You are a strong, smart, wonderful woman who I am proud to call my friend. Don’t EVER let anyone tell you anything different.
    I wish you lots of joy and happiness now and in the future! You certainly deserve it.

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