You never realize how lost you are until you try to find yourself

finding-yourself

How do you put your life, your pain, your weaknesses and your demons into words?

I’ve sat for weeks, months thinking and contemplating what my life is and where I want it to be. I’ve thought I was on the right track only to be derailed. I’ve planned only to realize my plans were nothing but notes and numbers jotted on a piece of scrap paper. Dreams …on a piece of paper I’d later crumble up and toss in the trashcan because I realized how unrealistic they were. I’ve faked a smile through the tears and pain because it’s become second nature and easier then facing reality. Well reality is, I’ve lost myself completely. Thinking about putting out a missing ad in fact … Reward … I don’t know. I’ll figure it out when we cross that bridge.

I was sitting at lunch today and my mind was going a million miles a minute ..so many thoughts, hopes, wishes, fears .. so much anger, sadness, pain …I realized then that I had completely lost myself. I had become that person I worked so hard to not be anymore. I have become that angry negative person that I hate. That person that I swore I’d never be again. It all came down to ..how the hell do I find myself again? …how can I find that strength and that fight inside myself again to rid myself of this shell that I had become?

Those thoughts were followed with this post on Facebook …. “I’ve been doing A LOT of thinking over the past week and I’ve come to realize that this year and the hell I was put through has awakened a lot of the demons that I worked hard to get rid of. That angry, depressed, negative side of me has unfortunately made a strong presence. My fucked up marriage being the biggest culprit ….it’s going to be a process and I’ll need a lot of support and help …but I need to hide these demons again and find that happy, carefree, passionate side of me again …I’m determined to hold onto the things that make me happy and all else can seriously be gone. This is going to be one hell of a journey but I’ve beat this battle before ..I’d imagine I can do it again.”

Now some people made the comment of how I need to rid the demons not hide them. But to be honest ..those demons are what keep me fighting. They give me the anger I need when I need t. They awaken a beast in me that doesn’t give a damn what others think and allow me to really fight for what I believe in. I just need to learn how to hide them until they are needed again. There’s a passion in me that’s been missing for a long time now. A passion that was stolen and verbally beaten out of me. A happiness …

Sometimes that side of me is drawn out. Someone finds a way to pull it out of me. It lights a fire in me that I miss. I am so anxious to find it again. Now I could say I’m going to just start being more positive and find that side of me again. But lets be real ..nothing is that easy. What I want to do is pick up and run. Its easier. But I know I cant. I need to stand up and take control. Which sounds great …but not something I can do over night. I honestly don’t think people realize how broken I am.

I’ll find me again …somewhere down the road is the answer to where I am and how to get me back again. If you find me ..please return me.

Thanks for being a part of my journey,

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