Fake it til you make it?? ….No

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Why are people so judgmental? So assumptive? So conniving? So ….outlandish?

I’ll be honest; I do jump to stereotypes from time to time. Then again, I am a walking stereo type. Black hair, piercings, tattoos, dark makeup (when I actually do my makeup haha) …so yeah I have fallen to the standard of stereotype. “She must be a party girl, she must be a drinker or trouble maker. She’s gotta be the “bad girl” ….I’ve heard it all at this point.

I mean lets be real, sure I absolutely LOVE Avenged Sevenfold but 9 out of 10 times when I’m jamming out in my car with the stereo turned up …it’s to Katy Perry! Sure I enjoy a drink or two with my friends but going to the bar and getting wasted every weekend is absolutely not my thing anymore. I ran that course and I’m just not into it. I am a sit at home with friends or family or someone special and just relax and enjoy the company kind of person.

But the reality is ..I am absolutely none of those stereotypes that I have been labeled with before. I am actually a very gentle hearted person (as long as you don’t unleash the bitch ..because she’s DEFINITELY in there). I am the type of person who would give the shirt off my back to help someone. I enjoy going out of my way to help people in fact; especially my friends and family. The people I care about are my priority …not myself.

But then you get the people who on the outside look like they would be the nice boy or girl next door but in reality they are the ones talking behind everyone’s back and causing issues. They are continually in the mix when a problem arises. Why would you want to be that person? I hate drama. I can’t stand people who are not honest and real. It makes me crazy! People will respect you more for simply being you and being honest. Be real! No one likes people who are fake and untrustworthy or manipulative. No one can be a better version of you …only you can do that!

I don’t think I am better than anyone. I just know that I am better than I was yesterday.

We all have our flaws and we all have our days. But who are you in the bigger picture? Are you someone you can be proud of? Are you someone you would be honored to call a friend, a significant other, a son or daughter? Would you be your friend if you were someone else? I mean REALLY think about that. Would you rather be falsely liked for all your lies and the characters you play or honestly loved for just being yourself?

I’ve been both. When I was younger, before I had discovered who I was as a person and what I wanted out of life, I played those characters. Part of that was also because I was harboring a lot of pain and anger. But after losing friends, discovering who my real friends were and learning ways to deal with my inner “demons” …I found myself and can honestly say that I am proud of the woman I have become. There is always room to improve and room to grow. We learn new things every day and we are constantly changing. But that doesn’t mean we can’t make those changes for the better!

Just be real. Just be YOU! Everything else will fall into place one short day at a time.

 

Thanks for being a part of my journey,

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A time I felt most Beautiful

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So there use to be a period of time where I was overwhelmed with confidence. I literally felt like I owned a place when I walked in. Not to the point of being conceited, but just genuinely confident in myself.

Those times have passed.

In the past couple years I have gained more weight then I would like to acknowledge. Not that I’m obese, because I’m not. But I am definitely not at my best. But I will get back there!!

However, shown above are pictures from the 2 times in my life that I felt absolutely unstoppable and gorgeous.

My wedding day in 2012.

And my Pin Up photo shoot in …I think it was late 2010 or early 2011.

My wedding day, as I have mentioned before, was perfect. I felt like an absolute belle of the ball. Beyond the obvious happy wedding things …I was just so happy and felt so good about myself. Sure I had gained a little weight and had to put that dress on with all I had ..but it truly was my perfect dress. Sure looking back I wish I would have done something different with my hair or makeup or whatever …but what matters is, when I looked in the mirror I felt absolutely beautiful! He might not admit it but, my husband teared up when he saw me. I saw the water in his eyes. I will never forget that moment. I know he thought I was beautiful to.

Then there was the day of my first photo shoot. That was a fun day. There’s nothing more a girl could ask for then being pampered and the absolute center of attention. I felt like a movie star. A couple of the scenes were in public places {an elevator shown above and a laundromat} everyone who walked by was starring and so curious and just watching. It was the scariest, most flattering, most exciting moment ever. Then seeing the final product ….amazing! I fell in love with “modeling” that day. I even considered getting an agent but I convinced myself I was both too short and too fat. -_-

But my husband bought me a killer camera. So when I get back in shape I’ll do another photo shoot ..instead of hiring a photographer this time, I’ll have my hubby do it. And instead of hiring hair and make up, I’ll do it! Not to at all take away from my photographer or hair/makeup artist from before …they were absolutely amazing. I’m just poor and now I live in a small town where the talent is seriously limited! One of these days when I have some extra cash I’ll hire a team again. It was such an amazing experience!

These are days I’ll never forget. Perfect days where I felt like a pampered princess. I’m just glad I have the pictures to remember it all by!

 

Thanks for being a part of my journey,

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Those lies I tell myself …

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Lies are a vicious circle!!

What lies do I tell myself?…..

“oh yeah, that totally looks good on you” -_-

“You can absolutely run that full mile without stopping …or dying” -definitely not true haha ..it used to be

“You’re hungry, not bored.” -stupid lies

“You’re a fat ass.” -ok brain, a little harsh.

“You look like crap.” -I may not be the 20 year old version of me anymore ..but damn

“I love cleaning the house.” -No, just love having a clean house

Yeeaahhh …I could probably go on and on and on and on with these. I’m a glutton for the truth but man do I lie to myself a lot. haha Some of the things I subconsciously tell myself aren’t that bad. In fact, sometimes I tell myself something to get me motivated {aka, cleaning the house}. But, my entire life I have been my absolute worst critic. My brain is filled with “you aren’t good enough”, “you’re ugly”, “you look like a cow” …..yeah, we’ll stop there for now.

I’ve always been someone who if I hear it once I hold on to it for a little while but eventually get over it. But if I hear it multiple times then I believe it 100%. So when my brain keeps uttering these things, it’s damage done. I struggle with this every day. I guess it’s human nature. I mean, the fact is, I am not in the best shape of my life. In fact I’m in the worst shape of my life. The problem comes when I let that self anger and nonacceptance take control and prevent me from making the necessary changes. I mean hell I’m 28 years old {eww …only as of TODAY though hehe YAY Happy Birthday Me!!!} ….anyway, I’m 28 years old not 80. So there is no reason why I cant be just as skinny, healthy, energetic, active and confident as I was when I was 22. I act like I’m an old lady! lol

Point is, we all have a devil on our shoulder. It’s if we allow that devil to rein that matters. I’m currently trying to teach my shoulder angel kung-foo so he can beat the ever living hell out of my shoulder devil! yep! True story!

 

Thanks for being a part of my journey,

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