Not holding back anymore. My honest and Raw story.

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So needless to say, I haven’t posted anything in awhile. I mean, my blog is supposed to be about overcoming the negative attitude and being happy and positive right? How can I do that when I’m not being that? Well Kids, I’m back and probably stronger than ever …and happier (as a whole).

I just feel its time to let out my story, my truth and my struggle. It’s not easy and I know people are going to misinterpret of not understand quite what I’m meaning with all of this but thats ok. It’s my way to get it all out, and maybe help someone else.

A little over 2 years ago, I took a vow to love someone so fully for the rest of my life …something I took seriously! Even though at the time I knew I was saying my vows to the wrong person. I met him about 7 months prior and in that 7 months we had already broke up once, I had caught him having sexual conversations with another woman, we had very hostile arguments resulting in me getting hurt because he grabbed a kitchen knife and was trying to destroy a canvas picture I had made for him …I grabbed the knife and cut my hand right open ….and eventually the 1 occasion where he did get physically abusive and wrapped his arm around my neck to a point I couldn’t break for what felt like an eternity….. we weren’t even married yet. I forgave him because he cried and apologized. I forgave him because he told me he had PTSD and this was the cause. In the end I discovered it was much more than that.

Now why am I telling such personal things? Well, I’m sick of being the victim, I’m sick of people thinking I’m weak or broken ..in fact after all this now that I am away from that …I am stronger than ever. Sure I still have some internal demons but don’t we all? I had those before him too. I also think it’s important for me to openly admit that I was in an abusive marriage. It allows me to acknowledge that it wasn’t anything I did ..it was him. As much as he would never let me or anyone else think or believe that. Oh well! I’m not going to say his name or post his pictures ..this isn’t about shaming him or defacing him …I’m way better than that! I just want to tell MY story.

When we got married I knew from the beginning it was a bad idea. I knew it was stupid to even be engaged. But, I loved him for some reason. (Thank God those feelings are gone!!) … after we got married we fell into the same routine. In fact we got into an argument on the day we got married because he was so high on Xanax and pain meds that he got into a car accident and was being an absolute dick! But I pushed forward. Only to discover about 7 months later that he had been cheating on me AGAIN …with one of my coworkers. We got into a huge argument and yet again I forgave him. {I am way too good of a woman haha}

Well eventually we packed our things and moved out to Tennessee. Another down hill slide from there. For the next 2 months he was barely ever home. I wasnt working so I had no money. He’d take my car and leave me home with the dogs and no food or transportation. Anytime I called him and asked when he’d be home it turned into a screaming argument …he’s continually call me everything from a bitch to a piece of shit to worthless to fat to a cunt…. yep …my own husband …because I asked when he’d be home after being gone all day …again! Sounds completely reasonable right? Yeah didnt think so! Oh and ..pretty sure he was cheating on me again. One day he had finally called me a cunt one too many times ..I loaded a UHaul and moved back home to California. He came out there a week later begging me to come home and promising to change. I did …he didnt.

For the first few months things were going pretty well. Then it all started crumbling again. We started arguing, he would question everything I did making me feel like I was doing something wrong when I wasn’t. He would tell me I was a bitch and a piece of shit and I didn’t care. It came to a point where I’d cry every day on my way home from work because I didn’t want to go back. But I knew I had to. I remember daily wishing something would go wrong and I wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore. Now let me get this VERY straight …I would NEVER EVER EVER hurt myself …but ….I did wish that maybe a big rig would go off the track or something. Which is so unlike me! I woke up every day and went about my routine …going home to a husband who usually didn’t talk to me or would just argue and yell at me because I’d ask when we were going to spend some time together. I came to a point where I was afraid to do or say anything because I was afraid he would snap and hurt me. By this time we’d been married almost 2 years …he’s shoved me MULTIPLE times …raised his hand to me on many occasions, grabbed my arms so hard it bruised …and continually threatened to smash my head into a wall or a car or whatever else was near. He’d remind me (in a fashion to make it seem like he cared) that if I pushed his buttons to much he was capable of seriously hurting me.

Now, there are far more details but I’m not trying to write a book here! I’m just trying to give an understanding.

After months of feeling hopeless, helpless and worthless and terrified my husband was going to snap and kill me …I left ..for good!

Now here I am, not much time has passed but I am a different person then I was when I was still with him. Sure I have bad days, I get emotional, I stress …I’m human.

The friends I have now are people I chose and want in my life ..give or take 1 or 2 who kinda brought themselves into my life and I couldn’t be happier about it. I have a great group of friends. These people mean the world to me ..without knowing it they have been there for me through the darkest time of my life. I smile every day now. I laugh. I enjoy life. And every day just keeps getting better.

I am lucky that I have learned it was him and not me. So I can let go of that and not let it burden me or bring those issues to other parts of my life. But it wasn’t easy. I knew if I ever want to find happiness with someone else I had to let go of the shit that he forced me to believe …so I did. Wholeheartedly. It feels amazing and I feel like a new person. I still have some demons to battle but none that change my life daily or effect my moving forward.

I am me and that’s the best I can be. I am real, I am honest, I am strong and I am passionate. Take it or leave it. I don’t care. I do what I want and no one will ever tell me differently. I am who I want to be …not what someone else wants me to be!

It feels good to have the truth out there.

 

Thanks for being a part of my Journey,

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Most statisfying moments in Life

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Life is so full of moments. The problem is not all of them are good. But the ones that are we need to hold on to. I’ve had a few moments in life where I felt truly satisfied and happy with the way things were going.

Like right now. As much as I want to freak out and throw a fit. haha It’s been a long day. I cleaned the backyard and garage which I’ve been dreading but I’m pleased with myself for getting it done. My dogs are diving me nuts but my life would feel empty without them.

But when I look back on the 28 years I’ve been alive I have a small handful of moments that really stand out where I can say I was truly satisfied with myself and my life. Sure there’s been a long more than just a few but these are the ones that stand out!

My wedding day – now my husband and I got married at the courthouse then had our wedding 4 months later {to the day}. Ok, the day we got married wasn’t the best of days. We got into a car accident right across the street from the courthouse {totaled our car} ..but no one was hurt and we made it to the courthouse and got married. The rest of the day wasn’t too smooth. Both my husband and I were irritable because of the stress of the accident that it was just not a great day. But while we were going through our vows all that crap was gone. I never thought about it once. I was truly happy. BUT ….we made up for a not so great day on our wedding day! Our wedding was absolutely perfect. Everything was beautiful and went so smoothly! I could not have asked for a better day! It was truly everything I could have ever wanted. That entire day was a moment I was so completely happy and satisfied with my life. It was a lot of hard work to get there but we did and it was amazing!

The day I graduated. Now the day itself was just a normal day for the most part. But sitting there in my cap and gown, then receiving my degree …it was amazing. I worked so hard to make it to that point. I never gave up! Even though I wanted to on several occasions. I graduated with a 3.6 gpa …never got a grade below a B. I went through a lot in the 4 years I was in school but some how I managed to always stay focused and get my work done to the absolute best of my abilities. Even now just knowing what I accomplished I am truly satisfied with how it all came together. I am proud of myself for my accomplishment and it makes getting my Masters Degree even more exciting! As a kid I wasn’t even sure I would go to college let alone get a Masters Degree. But now I know that is what I want to do! I want to continue my education even if it’s only for my own self accomplishment.

Any and every time I stand my ground and hold true to my beliefs. I am satisfied.

When I see all the amazing things my husband and I have worked hard to earn like a BIG ass TV, brand new cars, motorcycles ..I am satisfied. Not because of the material things but because I know how hard we worked for them!

When I think back on the friends I have made. I am satisfied and grateful. I have some amazing people in my life. Even if I don’t talk to most of them all that much anymore. I am grateful for the moments we shared and the memories we have.

All in all I have not done all the things I want to do in life so therefore I have a goal! But there have been many moments in my life where I can say I was satisfied with where I was at and how things were turning out! I am grateful for it all!

 

Thanks for being a part of my journey,

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The Skies were bluer then I had ever seen

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This entire prompt is deeper then I think I am capable of talking about today. I feel so blah. Not in a bad way, just I dont know, I have no real urge or thought to talk about. But, I said I was going to do a 30 day challenge when I started this and by God I will stick to it!

This is something I think about often. The “bluer” days are the ones that keep pushing us forward. I do not see this as a literal thing. In no way do I plan to talk about a beautiful blue sky. I’m from California, I lived in San Diego for almost 6 years, and now I am living in a gorgeous mountain-ish community in Tennessee …I have seen some beautiful blue skies. Definitely not today though. It is grey and windy outside. It’s supposed to rain too. We get a lot of that out here which I am ok with because I love the rain.

I’m beginning to think I write better when I just ramble. This sticking to a prompt thing messes with my head. I over think it!

Anyway, there has been a couple times in my life that I look back and remember sitting there after dealing with a hard time or something and it just clicked. My skies were blue and I was ready to take on the world.

1st – I was dating this guy. Because of some stupid drama that I don’t feel like recapping, it was a short lived relationship. Literally like a month and I discovered we were broken up because he deleted me on Myspace…. yep! Super mature! -_- Anyway, for some reason I was really upset about this whole situation and it put me in a very depressed state. I remember going out to bars RELIGIOUSLY with my best friend and just forgetting about reality. Anyway, one day I was in a weird mood, partially depressed, partially over being depressed and partially mad at myself for letting myself be depressed over something so stupid. I decided to go to the beach. I lived a mile and a half away in San Diego. I sat there looking around at everyone and watching the waves come in and for some reason it just clicked. I laughed at myself a little bit and shook my head. I was being so stupid. I think more than anything I was mad because I wasn’t getting my way and I was throwing an adult temper tantrum. I was over it. It wasn’t but a few weeks later I had finally moved on {it had been a few months since the 5th grade style break up} and I started dating someone new. Needless to say that relationship didn’t last but still …. I had moved on and for months that was all I needed. I felt free. The skies were blue, not a cloud in sight! A year later, I met  my husband!

2- In 2007 one of my childhood best friends passed away on Easter Morning in a car accident. I had dealt with death a few times before but this one really hit me hard. Her name was Megan. She was the type of person who lit up a room when she came in. She had a smile that was so sincere and so truly happy that you couldn’t help but feel better when she was around. Megan was a great person and a great friend. I had known her since I was 7 or 8 years old and some of my favorite childhood memories were of Megan and her family. Her parents were, and still are, amazing people and her older brother {when we were kids} was like a brother to me. Definitely picked on me the same as he did Megan. It felt like an extended family. When she passed I watched as her brother went into a dark place, I talked to her mom and few times and seeing the pain her family was going through just made my pain worse. I was drinking A LOT and forgot all of my responsibilities. I was living off of my tax return and my parents. I had a part time job for a little bit but quit because I was miserable. It was a mess. As the 1 year anniversary neared, I had a dream. Megan came to me and told me she was ok and that she was watching over her family too and they were going to be ok. When I woke up the next morning I felt a weight off my shoulders. I knew Megan wouldn’t want to see me, her family or any of our friends in this dark place. I immediately started looking for a job and shortly thereafter got a job at Guitar Center. It was 6 months later I moved to San Diego and truly began enjoying life again. Megan pulled me out of that darkness and the skies were bluer then I had seen them in a long time! I will always remember that and always be grateful for her visit!

Lifes been rough. But I’ve had a great support system and it’s because of these people that I have been able to continue moving forward and growing. You’ll hear a lot more about all of them as the days go on. They each deserve their moment in the spotlight!

 

Thanks for being a part of my journey,

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Happiness is an Inside Job

You choose your happiness ……

It’s a sound old saying that when I was dealing with some serious depression, I absolutely HATED hearing. I refused to believe that I could control my day and my emotions. Now let’s be real, this is not always the case and sometimes we just have bad days where we are stuck in a rut or there is something weighing on us heavily and that’s just how it’s going to be. But in time I realized that this is a saying that does not pertain to everything in everyday; it’s much broader than that.

Happiness is truly and inside job. We choose the life we want to lead and there will be bumps, mountains and oceans in the way. But if we jump, climb and swim there is nothing we can’t do.

This is a concept that was, and sometimes is still hard to swallow. Just today we got rid of one of our dogs. Not because we wanted to {ok my husband might have wanted to a little bit ;P } but for me, it was not something I wanted. I have a really hard time letting go of things. Maybe it’s because I’ve lost so many people and pets in my life that I’m just turned off to the idea of Goodbye. {I know this make no sense but I promise I have a point haha} While I sat here on the couch crying and loving on my other dogs, my husband had to pull me back into reality. He had to remind me that the house she’s going to be living in is a great place with much more room and individualized love for her. Now, we have multiple dogs and we love them all and shows them that as much as we can. But when you have 7 dogs it can be hard to spread the love evenly. So he had to remind me that she will be in a place where she is the center of attention and has a big yard to play in and the list goes on.

{update: she’s coming home. She was not a fan of the other dog in her new home so she’s coming back. YAY dont tell my husband how happy I am about this haha just kidding. I am excited to see her back home though. I love my little crazy}

Now you’re probably saying, hey Pinky …what the hell are you trying to say? Well, it’s easy …I sat there crying and miserable, hurting. But when I forced my focus to be on the positives {thanks to my husband not giving me any other choice} it made me feel so much better. Sure I’m still sad and I still hate that she’s gone. But, now I can smile and laugh and enjoy my day instead of dwelling. All I had to do was CHOOSE to see things differently. It’s hard sometimes but it’s necessary.

I’ve had to do this many times in life, as I’m sure we all have. But the one thing I have learned is we have to change our way of thinking if we ever want to succeed or surpass those hard times. Still hurts, still sucks, still want to kick and scream and throw and tantrum …but hey at least I can do it then laugh about it later.

With that said ….keep your heads up kids. This too shall pass. It has to because there’s nothing we can do to make time stop. Therefore we must always move forward.

Thanks for being a part of my journey,

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