So much more than a New Years Resolution …

I guess we can call it a life resolution.

I’ve generally always been one of those “New Year, New Me” kinda people. But something about this new year just doesn’t have me feeling like that. These past few years have been increasingly difficult and depressing. I could write a seriously intense book of my life and only include the past 3 years ….it would be quite a read.

This past year (2014) I came to terms with a lot ….I attempted to restore my marriage only for it to blow up in my face. I accepted the fact that my marriage was over and I would never have my fairy tale. (Get married once, be together forever) …I learned to accept that I was in an abusive marriage. Though sometimes it is still hard for me to really say it out loud. I picked up my things and I left. No warning, no plan ….just the knowledge that I had to do it or it would be the end of me. I struggled, and still struggle to find my stability. My own path. I’ve been blessed with amazing friends who have put a roof over my head otherwise I’d be God knows where right now. But that experience alone broke me. At 28 years old I was 18 again …venturing out into the world alone. I was in a new state where I really didn’t know anyone …I had nothing but my dogs and some of my belonging. I managed to build a new life …or at least started to. I dated. Failed. Made new AMAZING friends. I fell apart several times but got back up. I met someone, was able to let my guard down more than I have in a long long time ..was able to feel what it felt like to fall in love again; to some extent I suppose. Of course that ended as it always does …me broken hearted. Lucky me it happened 2 days before the new year. I guess I’m glad it happened then so I can start off the new year knowing the truth instead of being wrapped up in a lie.

But so be it ..here I am …January 1 …2015

It started out differently than I had expected but that’s ok.

Now everyone is posting their new years resolutions. I am just not feeling it. I want this year to be something great and different then the last 3. But I don’t think narrowing my goals down to 1 year is going to cut it. I want to change my life not just my year. So thus ….my life resolution …

In no order….

1- Get back in the gym. I’m sick of feeling fat and out of shape. I want to be able to look in the mirror again and smile being so proud of my hard work and the pay off.

2- Learn to love myself. I’ve tried this over and over and never been able to figure it out. But I need to. I have to.

3- Rid myself of negativity. Sure I’m human it happens but I need to learn to focus on the good and let go of the bad or stressful.

4- Forgive those that have hurt me. I tend to hold onto things which in the end just causes me more pain and anger. I need to learn to just forgive and let go …but never forget.

5- Go on adventures. I live in a big state that is so new to me and has so much to experience. I want to get out and see it all. Have fun new experiences, meet new people!

I guess thats kinda the most of it. Sure it looks like a list of new years resolutions and take it as you may. But these are things I want to start today for ME ..for MY life …not for the new year. These things will hopefully carry far beyond 2015.

Now to be honest I really dont have the motivation for any of this. It’s not like I’m all gungho about it …its just something I know I have to do if I am ever going to have a life that I am happy with…. if I am ever going to be truly happy!

So for you “New Year, New Me” types …Heres to 2015

For those of you who are in my boat ..Here’s to life …

Thanks for being a part of my journey,

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You never realize how lost you are until you try to find yourself

finding-yourself

How do you put your life, your pain, your weaknesses and your demons into words?

I’ve sat for weeks, months thinking and contemplating what my life is and where I want it to be. I’ve thought I was on the right track only to be derailed. I’ve planned only to realize my plans were nothing but notes and numbers jotted on a piece of scrap paper. Dreams …on a piece of paper I’d later crumble up and toss in the trashcan because I realized how unrealistic they were. I’ve faked a smile through the tears and pain because it’s become second nature and easier then facing reality. Well reality is, I’ve lost myself completely. Thinking about putting out a missing ad in fact … Reward … I don’t know. I’ll figure it out when we cross that bridge.

I was sitting at lunch today and my mind was going a million miles a minute ..so many thoughts, hopes, wishes, fears .. so much anger, sadness, pain …I realized then that I had completely lost myself. I had become that person I worked so hard to not be anymore. I have become that angry negative person that I hate. That person that I swore I’d never be again. It all came down to ..how the hell do I find myself again? …how can I find that strength and that fight inside myself again to rid myself of this shell that I had become?

Those thoughts were followed with this post on Facebook …. “I’ve been doing A LOT of thinking over the past week and I’ve come to realize that this year and the hell I was put through has awakened a lot of the demons that I worked hard to get rid of. That angry, depressed, negative side of me has unfortunately made a strong presence. My fucked up marriage being the biggest culprit ….it’s going to be a process and I’ll need a lot of support and help …but I need to hide these demons again and find that happy, carefree, passionate side of me again …I’m determined to hold onto the things that make me happy and all else can seriously be gone. This is going to be one hell of a journey but I’ve beat this battle before ..I’d imagine I can do it again.”

Now some people made the comment of how I need to rid the demons not hide them. But to be honest ..those demons are what keep me fighting. They give me the anger I need when I need t. They awaken a beast in me that doesn’t give a damn what others think and allow me to really fight for what I believe in. I just need to learn how to hide them until they are needed again. There’s a passion in me that’s been missing for a long time now. A passion that was stolen and verbally beaten out of me. A happiness …

Sometimes that side of me is drawn out. Someone finds a way to pull it out of me. It lights a fire in me that I miss. I am so anxious to find it again. Now I could say I’m going to just start being more positive and find that side of me again. But lets be real ..nothing is that easy. What I want to do is pick up and run. Its easier. But I know I cant. I need to stand up and take control. Which sounds great …but not something I can do over night. I honestly don’t think people realize how broken I am.

I’ll find me again …somewhere down the road is the answer to where I am and how to get me back again. If you find me ..please return me.

Thanks for being a part of my journey,

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Life takes over

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Gosh, I am so behind! 😦

I started work last monday and it’s been go go go ever since. I’m up at 630 am, out the door at 8. I have to clock in at 9am and I’m there until 6pm. Takes me roughly 30-45 minutes to get home depending on traffic and such. By the time I get home I am so tired. My husband cooks us dinner and by the time thats all done and we’ve eaten it’s easily 9pm. At that point I dont want to do much of anything!

Because I’m so out of the flow of working I have SO much house work to get caught up on. I really need to get everything caught up that way I can relax and do the other things I enjoy. Ex: blogging.

I feel bad that I havent posted anything lately. I went from posting daily to nothing for a week. UGH!!!

I need to set a schedule or something. Like I’ll post monday, wednesday and friday. Or whatever. I just know that I really enjoy doing this and I don’t want to get so out of the rhythm that I just don’t want to do it anymore or I become so infrequent that no one enjoys reading it anymore.

How do you all deal with a busy life and making time?

I’m also planning to start back up with school in a couple months to start my Masters program. So I really need to figure out how to make this all work without wearing myself our completely.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ok had to get that out. I wouldn’t go as far as saying I am stressed but I am definitely not used to being busy all day at work then trying to find time and energy for everything else. I guess it will come in time.

Please dont give up on me. I promise I’ll figure this all out.

 

Thanks for being a part of my journey,

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The Story of my Life

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So as we all know tonight is the Oscars. Now I enjoy movies but I generally dont watch them until long after they were in the theaters. So watching the Oscars right now I’m as confused as can be because I have not seen any of these movies. In fact I haven’t even heard of most of them. Thank you TIVO for the lack of commercials …therefore the lack of movie previews. Anyway, to go with the theme of the Oscars and movies …I’ve decided to talk about who would play me in a movie about my life and what would it really be like?

I’ve thought about this a lot because it seems to be the age old question. But I really dont know who would play me…. can Katy Perry go into movies because that would be amazing. I try to think of people who look something like me …black hair …tattoos …edgy yet girly ….ugh this is hard!

Maybe Cameron Diaz with black hair

Or {I hate saying this} Kristin Stewart …only if she found a personality though

Sandra Bullock with black hair?

Anne Hathaway? She can be edgy and tattooed right?

Hell give Jennifer Lawrence some black hair and tattoos!

I really dont know. It’s a hard question. I am not normal or average! lol But honestly {other than Kristen Steward because I cant stand her, I’d be honored to have any of them play me in a movie about me}

I’ve always thought about writing a book on my life because I’ve had a lot of things happen in my life from sad things to happy things to powerful things. Death, struggle, depression, anxiety, dark times ….all the way to amazing friends and memories with them, parties, amazing family, vacations, a photo shoot, marriage ….a lot of great happy things. I’ve had a life that could teach a million lessons. And I’m only 28! I think a movie about my life would have to be a 3 hour long epic film to get it all in! haha But in reality I don’t know that all the lessons of my life and experiences could truly be put into a movie that’s only an hour and a half long. I could be wrong though. But that would be one hell of a roller coaster of a movie. You’d go from crying to laughing, to partying back to crying then some more laughing them some struggles and more partying them some lessons and more crying. I just dont even know. It would be chaos! 

OSCAR WORTHY!

What do I need to do to have a movie made about me? Come on now! Who’s up for a challenge? Then again maybe we should wait another 60 years so I can get all my life experiences done. Right now there’s only 28 years worth. But then it would have to be a LONG damn movie ….I’m talking at least 4 hours! haha I’d watch it!

Who would play you in a movie about your life??

 

Thanks for being a part of my journey,

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24 hours is just not enough

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Lets be real here. 24 hours in a day is just not enough for all the things we want to do!! All I ever find myself saying is how I have so much to do and no time to do it! It’s crazy! I wish days were longer sometimes. I mean come on now. I want to sleep, and lately I’ve been sleeping somewhere around 8-9 hours; which I need. But then I wake up and have to walk my dogs. Which takes about 20 minutes sometimes. Just depends. I’ll be honest, I don’t wake up early. I wake up around 11. But I also dont go to bed until 2-3am. Just the crappy cycle I’m on right now. But then throughout the day I have so much I want to do and need to do. 

I find myself having to clean my house constantly. With 7 dogs its not surprising. But I have a big house so really getting it clean takes all day if not 2 full days. So there goes that. I love going out with my husband and doing stuff. Lately we’ve been trying to get out and go fishing or hiking. Today we took our bigger dogs to the dog park to run. It’s great but my day is gone now. It’s 730pm.. what can I really get done now? Sure I can clean but I dont want to be cleaning all night. 

I wish there was an easier way to get it all done. I dont know what I am going to do when I start work in a couple weeks. My entire day is done then. I’ll be up at 630 ..out the door by 8. I start work at 9 and I’m there until 6. It’s about 30-45 minutes to get home ..I eat dinner. Then its 830pm. GRR 

Being an adult is stupid. There is way too much to do! haha

I need to become one of those weird overly organized people and have an itinerary for my days. But that doesn’t sound like fun! I guess I’ll continue my daily mess of chaos and running around like a headless chicken. At least my dogs get to sleep and be lazy all day. I’ll just live vicariously through them. Yep, that’s the new plan. 

Well, off I go. I have things I need to get done. -_- 

Thanks for being a part of my journey,

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My Brain is a Hamster in a Wheel

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Eye Yie Yie. My brain. I’m telling ya! It just doesnt stop. Even with a list of topics I want to discuss for you guys, I still cant manage to come up with anything to talk about right now because my brain is on absolute overdrive. Without there being anything happening, there is still a lot going on.

I start work in a couple weeks which is both exciting and not so exciting. I mean I am definitely looking forward to a paycheck, getting out of the house and on a routine and socializing with new people. But at the same time, being free to do what I want when I want and not having to work around a schedule has been great. I enjoy being able to just get up and go do something on a whim. But that will be gone when I start working. Kinda sucks.

The day before I start working is also my step daughters 5th birthday. So I’m trying to figure out what to buy her and how to afford it. That’s always fun!

Also, me and a couple friends are in the process of trying to get a TV show picked up. I just found out tonight that we have a producer that is interested. So that is really exciting. But there is a lot to figure out and still no guarantee. So I dont even know what to do with myself. I want to get super exciting and start getting all into it and buying all the equipment we’ll need and stuff like that. But at the same time I dont want to get too crazy because if for some reason it doesnt go through …then I’m left with all this stuff. I am hopeful and feel good about it but I dont want to get to ahead of myself.

I’ve also been working on trying to get caught up with some bills. Needless to say, after being laid off for 8 months, things have gotten rather behind. It’s been a mess and the light has finally reached the end of the tunnel so I can start trying to work with people to get this stuff paid off and taken care of. But let me tell you …stressful!!

On top of all of that, there has just been a lot of memories running through my head. Which is a good and bad thing. There are a lot of great memories which make me smile but also make me sad because I miss those time and the people I had around me. It also can lead to the not so happy memories. With the anniversary of Autumn passing being yesterday, I’ve been thinking a lot about her and the other important people in my life that I have lost and it makes me really sad. I miss them all so much. But at the same time I’ve had some amazing times with Autumn and my other friends/family that are gone and it is so great to think back on those times.

My brain is no joke a hamster in an out of control wheel. It just keeps spinning at a rapid pace. I dont know how to stop or control it and it’s moving so fast it’s just flinging memories all over the place. It’s out of control in there! It’s not a bad thing by any means. All in all it’s just been a lot of great memories but it is exhausting at the same time. 

I know this is kinda a ramble. I really didn’t know what to talk about tonight. With my brain so jumbled by everything else, I just cant think straight which makes it rather impossible to focus on one thing. Hopefully it will all even out soon otherwise I’m going to need a week long nap!

 

Thanks for being a part of my journey,

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I Miss You Friend

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2 years ago today a great friend was taken too soon. The details behind her death I don’t feel need to be stated. She deserves her privacy as does her family. But I do want to talk about her.

Autumn was a beautiful and amazing person with a smile that lit up a room. She was a tiny little thing with a personality that packed a punch. She was an absolute firecracker. I have so many dear memories with her that I think about regularly. I remember after I moved away from home when I would come back to visit she would always greet me with a huge hug and we would always part with a hug and a “love ya”. When I first met Autumn I wasn’t sure what to think. She had so much personality it was a lot to take it. But those of us who didn’t already know her grew to adore her quickly. She quickly became a dear friend to all of us.

In the time I knew Autumn she became someone I admired so much. I remember a little while before she passed she called me a couple times. As soon as I answered she said “Heather. I really need a friend I can talk to.” I gladly sat on the phone with her for HOURS letting her vent and simply being a shoulder for her. She broke down her story and took blame for all her mistakes. It was the first time I had seen her so vulnerable and it broke my heart. Not just for her but for another dear friend who was a part of her story. I remember seeing Autumn once a few months before she passed and it breaks my heart knowing that was the last time I saw her.

I blame myself often for not being a better friend. I knew she was going through a hard time and I told myself regularly that I needed to call and check in on her. I hate myself sometimes for not doing that. For not taking the opportunity to talk to her and be a better friend. Not taking the innovative. It’s truly hard to explain without spilling her story. And I won’t do that. It’s just not my place. But simply said ….I wish I would have taken every chance I had to talk to her and spend time with her before she was gone.

She was a dear friend who I miss so much. Losing Autumn affected me more then I really express to anyone.

I have lost a lot of people in my life and all I can say is we truly need to cherish every day we have. They could be gone tomorrow. Don’t lose touch with people who mean something to you because at any time they can be taken away.

I miss you so much Autumn. I think about you often and I just pray you are happy now.

Thank you for being a part of my journey,

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