Not holding back anymore. My honest and Raw story.

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So needless to say, I haven’t posted anything in awhile. I mean, my blog is supposed to be about overcoming the negative attitude and being happy and positive right? How can I do that when I’m not being that? Well Kids, I’m back and probably stronger than ever …and happier (as a whole).

I just feel its time to let out my story, my truth and my struggle. It’s not easy and I know people are going to misinterpret of not understand quite what I’m meaning with all of this but thats ok. It’s my way to get it all out, and maybe help someone else.

A little over 2 years ago, I took a vow to love someone so fully for the rest of my life …something I took seriously! Even though at the time I knew I was saying my vows to the wrong person. I met him about 7 months prior and in that 7 months we had already broke up once, I had caught him having sexual conversations with another woman, we had very hostile arguments resulting in me getting hurt because he grabbed a kitchen knife and was trying to destroy a canvas picture I had made for him …I grabbed the knife and cut my hand right open ….and eventually the 1 occasion where he did get physically abusive and wrapped his arm around my neck to a point I couldn’t break for what felt like an eternity….. we weren’t even married yet. I forgave him because he cried and apologized. I forgave him because he told me he had PTSD and this was the cause. In the end I discovered it was much more than that.

Now why am I telling such personal things? Well, I’m sick of being the victim, I’m sick of people thinking I’m weak or broken ..in fact after all this now that I am away from that …I am stronger than ever. Sure I still have some internal demons but don’t we all? I had those before him too. I also think it’s important for me to openly admit that I was in an abusive marriage. It allows me to acknowledge that it wasn’t anything I did ..it was him. As much as he would never let me or anyone else think or believe that. Oh well! I’m not going to say his name or post his pictures ..this isn’t about shaming him or defacing him …I’m way better than that! I just want to tell MY story.

When we got married I knew from the beginning it was a bad idea. I knew it was stupid to even be engaged. But, I loved him for some reason. (Thank God those feelings are gone!!) … after we got married we fell into the same routine. In fact we got into an argument on the day we got married because he was so high on Xanax and pain meds that he got into a car accident and was being an absolute dick! But I pushed forward. Only to discover about 7 months later that he had been cheating on me AGAIN …with one of my coworkers. We got into a huge argument and yet again I forgave him. {I am way too good of a woman haha}

Well eventually we packed our things and moved out to Tennessee. Another down hill slide from there. For the next 2 months he was barely ever home. I wasnt working so I had no money. He’d take my car and leave me home with the dogs and no food or transportation. Anytime I called him and asked when he’d be home it turned into a screaming argument …he’s continually call me everything from a bitch to a piece of shit to worthless to fat to a cunt…. yep …my own husband …because I asked when he’d be home after being gone all day …again! Sounds completely reasonable right? Yeah didnt think so! Oh and ..pretty sure he was cheating on me again. One day he had finally called me a cunt one too many times ..I loaded a UHaul and moved back home to California. He came out there a week later begging me to come home and promising to change. I did …he didnt.

For the first few months things were going pretty well. Then it all started crumbling again. We started arguing, he would question everything I did making me feel like I was doing something wrong when I wasn’t. He would tell me I was a bitch and a piece of shit and I didn’t care. It came to a point where I’d cry every day on my way home from work because I didn’t want to go back. But I knew I had to. I remember daily wishing something would go wrong and I wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore. Now let me get this VERY straight …I would NEVER EVER EVER hurt myself …but ….I did wish that maybe a big rig would go off the track or something. Which is so unlike me! I woke up every day and went about my routine …going home to a husband who usually didn’t talk to me or would just argue and yell at me because I’d ask when we were going to spend some time together. I came to a point where I was afraid to do or say anything because I was afraid he would snap and hurt me. By this time we’d been married almost 2 years …he’s shoved me MULTIPLE times …raised his hand to me on many occasions, grabbed my arms so hard it bruised …and continually threatened to smash my head into a wall or a car or whatever else was near. He’d remind me (in a fashion to make it seem like he cared) that if I pushed his buttons to much he was capable of seriously hurting me.

Now, there are far more details but I’m not trying to write a book here! I’m just trying to give an understanding.

After months of feeling hopeless, helpless and worthless and terrified my husband was going to snap and kill me …I left ..for good!

Now here I am, not much time has passed but I am a different person then I was when I was still with him. Sure I have bad days, I get emotional, I stress …I’m human.

The friends I have now are people I chose and want in my life ..give or take 1 or 2 who kinda brought themselves into my life and I couldn’t be happier about it. I have a great group of friends. These people mean the world to me ..without knowing it they have been there for me through the darkest time of my life. I smile every day now. I laugh. I enjoy life. And every day just keeps getting better.

I am lucky that I have learned it was him and not me. So I can let go of that and not let it burden me or bring those issues to other parts of my life. But it wasn’t easy. I knew if I ever want to find happiness with someone else I had to let go of the shit that he forced me to believe …so I did. Wholeheartedly. It feels amazing and I feel like a new person. I still have some demons to battle but none that change my life daily or effect my moving forward.

I am me and that’s the best I can be. I am real, I am honest, I am strong and I am passionate. Take it or leave it. I don’t care. I do what I want and no one will ever tell me differently. I am who I want to be …not what someone else wants me to be!

It feels good to have the truth out there.

 

Thanks for being a part of my Journey,

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The Sweet Smell of Baseball Season

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Oh sweet sweet baseball season! Woo am I excited. Watch my Red Sox kick some ass. {and yes I am fully aware that Jacoby Ellsbury is a Yank now ..and it breaks my Sox heart. He was my favorite …I was a center fielder when I played as a kid ..ugh I just cant talk about it. I’m going to pretend I dont have to see him in those horrid pinstripes this year} …anyway ….RED SOX woo!!!!

These last couple days the games have been on when I go to lunch at work. Its been killing me because I want so bad to see how they are playing before the season officially opens up. There should be a “baseball is on” break! What’s worse is that we don’t have DVR right now so any early games I wont be able to watch. Luckily most games are later so I’ll be able to watch them. THANK GOD!!!

I’ve been dreaming about baseball starting up since the World Series ended ….especially after watching my boys absolutely KILL it!! Let’s hope for a repeat! 🙂 …and not a repeat of 2012 because I just cant handle another horrid season like that. But with Valentine our of the picture I dont think we’ll ever be that bad again. 

There’s just something about baseball that I love. Maybe it’s the memories of playing when I was a kid …or maybe its the time of year and watching a game that is just so classic. Maybe it’s just because it’s a game I actually understand. haha Honestly I think it’s my experiences. Going to a game and eating a hot dog in the gorgeous weather …laughing and just having a great time. It reminds me of the time I was in Boston and got to experience the Red Sox and the Red Sox Nation first hand. It became a part of me. No team will ever captivate me like this team has. The passion, the dedication the absolute love the team has for the sport and the fans have for the team. Boston became a part of me ….and the Red Sox are the foundation. 

Baseball season is my favorite time of the year hands down. It makes me feel happy ….complete. I just wish I was able to get to a game this year. Hopefully soon I’ll be able to get back to Boston and watch them play again. 

I dream of the day I have kids and can play catch with them, hopefully they will love to play baseball like I did …hopefully they feel the passion and love for the Red Sox like I do. I know I will bring that experience into their life. I just pray it brings them the joy it brings me!

Here’s to a great season Sox. Lets get this done and make it another one to remember. 

 

Thanks for being a part of my journey,

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The Best Concert I’ve Ever Been To

ImageSo to go with today’s theme, I want to talk about the most amazing concerts I have ever been too. Too start, I am a huge Avenged Sevenfold fan ..I have been for years. Their music is just genius and their lyrics are deep and truly speak to me. When I started making my own money, I started going to A7X shows. In fact, I went to every show they had in Southern California for a hand full of years. Every show was mind blowing. These guys, no doubt, know how to put on a show.

I went to a few shows where their opening band was Atreyu {also puts on a hell of a show} …as well as Hinder and Buckcherry. But there were 2 shows that will always stick with me.

First was a show that I actually wasnt sure I was going to make it too. I had no one to go with me and everyone who said they would, bailed! I almost didn’t go. In the process of getting there I kept getting lost and stuck in traffic. I no joke was about to turn around and go home. But, I refused to miss this show. It was the first show Avenged Sevenfold had played at home since the death of their drummer Jimmy “The Rev” Sullivan. I was not going to miss this show. It was a big deal. They were also performing from their newest album which was in the process of being recorded when The Rev died. So it was huge. Needless to say, this was one of the most emotional and powerful concerts I could have ever dreamed of. I left that show nearly in tears. My emotions were high. It was just such a powerful experience. I remember when they released the backdrop that was a popular picture of The Rev hugging a couple of the guys. The entire crowd erupted and everyone pulled out their lighters and phones and started waving them around. It was amazing. I remember lead singer M. Shadows thanking everyone for coming and talking about how special that show was to them because of the significance. It was definitely a pull at the heart strings. I will never forget that show and I am so glad that I went. Even if it was by myself. {wasn’t the first show I went to alone}

The second show will always be one of my absolute favorites for a couple reasons. Another band that I am a huge fan of is Papa Roach. One day I remember sitting there having a conversation about bands and saying how much I wish Papa Roach and Avenged would play together but it would probably never happen. Well much to my surprise, a few months later, it was announced that they would be doing a hand full of shows together … but there was one 1 in Southern California …and it just so happened to be on my birthday! I sure as hell wasnt going to miss it ….and I didnt! My friend came with me and it was just such a blast. We were so close to the stage I swear I could have reached out and touched them. Both bands put on a killer show and made it a birthday to remember. Opening for Papa Roach and Avenged was Buckcherry and Hinder ….so yeah, it was definitely a hell of a show. All 4 of these bands are amazing and you can see their passion in the way they perform. Ive been to a lot of concerts and these bands are by far some of the best performers ever. Absolutely amazing!

I was raised with music. My dad was a musician. So music is a huge part of me. I connect with bands and their songs. It is what has gotten me through some hard times. Besides tattoos, music is my way to let it all go and express myself. I am grateful to have witnessed these bands and will never forget it!

 

Photo Challenge: Threes

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I’ve been to several Avenged Sevenfold concerts but these photos were taken from one of the best shows I have ever been too. It was their first show back home after the death of their drummer; Jimmy “Rev” Sullivan. It was one of the most powerful shows I had ever seen. These guys are true artists and I honestly cannot say enough great things about them. I used to go to their shows on a regular basis {any time they were in Southern California} …I miss it a lot! I will never forget their shows …especially this one!

Beautiful Words

 

life words

This is a prompt that I find hard to write about. I find so many words to be beautiful because there are so many stories to tell and so many ways to tell them. How can I choose just a small list of words that define beauty in this world? We could take this so many routes. Roses are beautiful, Tigers are beautiful, Love is beautiful. All of these things are completely different and have such a unique beauty. 

 Words speak a million stories.

Music is powerful because it’s lyrics touch our souls. What are lyrics without words?

Marriage is a commitment of love spoken with a vow; our words of love and dedication.

Without these beautiful things our world would be a bland and dark place. We all use words to express our feelings no matter what the purpose or emotion behind them. The ability to communicate and share our stories is a beautiful thing.

Some words that I find to be amazing, powerful and beautiful are:

Love

Passion

Faith

Truth

Dedication

Trust

To name a few ….There are so many words we can use to show such an immense amount of emotion. But I also find it beautiful when someone simply expresses themselves with no walls, holding nothing back. No matter what words they are using. I tend to be a strong personality and use some choice words that others may not even have in their vocabulary. {I tend to have the mouth of a sailor from time to time} There are many people who express themselves through these types of words. How can we condemn them for expressing themselves in a way they are comfortable doing so? We can, but we shouldn’t. Who are we to tell people how they must act if they are not hurting anyone? It makes me sad to see people so closed off to things that are so irrelevant. 

We are a whole need to open our eyes, and our minds to things that may be outside of our comfort level. As a kid and teenager I did not like tattoos at all. I swore I would never get one, I just thought they were gross. My opinion. Well, 14 tattoos later …I am so glad I let go of that ignorant judgement. I truly found my way to express myself and find comfort in my own skin. No, this does not mean tattoos are for everyone and that is fine. But holding onto a stereotype should be for no one. 

Open you eyes to something new everyday and you will truly find beauty in things you once thought were ugly.

Thanks for being a part of my journey,

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