You never realize how lost you are until you try to find yourself

finding-yourself

How do you put your life, your pain, your weaknesses and your demons into words?

I’ve sat for weeks, months thinking and contemplating what my life is and where I want it to be. I’ve thought I was on the right track only to be derailed. I’ve planned only to realize my plans were nothing but notes and numbers jotted on a piece of scrap paper. Dreams …on a piece of paper I’d later crumble up and toss in the trashcan because I realized how unrealistic they were. I’ve faked a smile through the tears and pain because it’s become second nature and easier then facing reality. Well reality is, I’ve lost myself completely. Thinking about putting out a missing ad in fact … Reward … I don’t know. I’ll figure it out when we cross that bridge.

I was sitting at lunch today and my mind was going a million miles a minute ..so many thoughts, hopes, wishes, fears .. so much anger, sadness, pain …I realized then that I had completely lost myself. I had become that person I worked so hard to not be anymore. I have become that angry negative person that I hate. That person that I swore I’d never be again. It all came down to ..how the hell do I find myself again? …how can I find that strength and that fight inside myself again to rid myself of this shell that I had become?

Those thoughts were followed with this post on Facebook …. “I’ve been doing A LOT of thinking over the past week and I’ve come to realize that this year and the hell I was put through has awakened a lot of the demons that I worked hard to get rid of. That angry, depressed, negative side of me has unfortunately made a strong presence. My fucked up marriage being the biggest culprit ….it’s going to be a process and I’ll need a lot of support and help …but I need to hide these demons again and find that happy, carefree, passionate side of me again …I’m determined to hold onto the things that make me happy and all else can seriously be gone. This is going to be one hell of a journey but I’ve beat this battle before ..I’d imagine I can do it again.”

Now some people made the comment of how I need to rid the demons not hide them. But to be honest ..those demons are what keep me fighting. They give me the anger I need when I need t. They awaken a beast in me that doesn’t give a damn what others think and allow me to really fight for what I believe in. I just need to learn how to hide them until they are needed again. There’s a passion in me that’s been missing for a long time now. A passion that was stolen and verbally beaten out of me. A happiness …

Sometimes that side of me is drawn out. Someone finds a way to pull it out of me. It lights a fire in me that I miss. I am so anxious to find it again. Now I could say I’m going to just start being more positive and find that side of me again. But lets be real ..nothing is that easy. What I want to do is pick up and run. Its easier. But I know I cant. I need to stand up and take control. Which sounds great …but not something I can do over night. I honestly don’t think people realize how broken I am.

I’ll find me again …somewhere down the road is the answer to where I am and how to get me back again. If you find me ..please return me.

Thanks for being a part of my journey,

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Me. 2 years ago.

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Well first off I’d like to point out that the world did NOT end! So that’s a bonus!

I also want to admit that while looking for that picture the first thing I typed was 2011 ….WTF! I cant even remember what year it is! I mean I’m no good at math but I definitely know my basics. Ugh, where has the time gone?

Ok so ….who was I 2 years ago? Honestly, I don’t think I’ve changed much at all. Sure a lot of things in my life have changed, but me as a person, no. I’ve chilled out a little bit but that’s just because situations have chilled out. So what are the differences?

I’m married. In February 2012 I was engaged and it had only been a couple weeks by this time. He proposed on 1/22/12.

I live in Tennessee in a big pretty house. At this time in 2012 I was just moving into an apartment in Oceanside CA with my {then} fiancee.

I am currently unemployed, but I do start my new job with ATT in March. After 8 long months of unemployment. But at this time in 2012 I was a Financial Adviser with Ashford University. I also think at that time I was still really enjoying my job. haha The burn out had not kicked in.

Other then that everything really hasnt changed much. Now if you ask me who I was 5 years ago ….that’s a different story all together. I was still going out to the bars every weekend, partying and living it up. Now I’m like an old lady and I never leave my house let alone go to a bar. Though I have to say, I am starting to get the itch to just go out and dance and listen to good music. I need a country bar STAT! haha

One thing is for sure, these next 2 years will be different. I am determined to grow and better myself. I am determined to grow and better my marriage and our life together. Last year was absolutely the worst year of my life for many reasons. It was just one bad thing after another. So the only way to go from here is straight up …and with a quickness! I’m excited to see what the next 2 years have in store. There is definitely a lot in the horizon and so many possibilities it is almost scary. So fingers crossed that those hopes and dreams pan out and life keeps moving on the up and up! I miss the old days a lot sometimes. But I love where my life is now and all the potential and possibilities it has to offer!

 

Thanks for being a part of my journey,

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